Bad Behavior

Here is a snippet from my personal blog about the angry and crazy behavior of adopted children:


We were told transitions are really hard for adopted children. She has so much sadness and it leaks out every two weeks or so. The training and information I gleaned before adopting our daughter explains something that makes so much sense.

• If a child is acting crazy, then they are afraid.
• If a child is acting angry, then they are sad.

That’s it. It is not really about the actual behavior, just about the fear or sadness. The behavior is just behavior, not to be seen as bad. So, the point is to deal with the fear or sadness. We let our daughter cry and be angry and let her know it is okay and good for her because all that sadness has to go somewhere in order for her heal. Without the healing from the grief, she will never be able to attach properly.  

I have been empathetically wired to take on people’s emotions easily and extreme sadness doesn’t bother me and hardly phases me. I sometimes cry a bit along with our daughter because of it, which I guess is good because the aim of raising a child “from a hard place” is to connect with them. If parents are constantly correcting their child’s crazy and angry behavior, then connection isn’t happening. It’s really hard when you have something to do or somewhere to be, but somehow my husband and I have been able to get creative and figure out solutions that are connecting, which calms our daughter down and eventually, we can get on with whatever it was we were aiming to do. I am so glad we made the hard choices we did in order to have me stay home with her-I do not know how people with full time jobs and younger children do this!!

I have an appointment scheduled with an Occupational Therapist who can help locate the developmental “gaps” in our child’s wiring and work with her to regrow them. After telling her our story, the OT told me, “You have your work cut out for you.” The developmental psychologist who put on the seminar I attended in the fall heard the story and said, “I sure wouldn’t want to be in your shoes! She will have profound sadness.” What is it with these people?! Ever heard of encouragement?? I guess that’s why I don’t find our situation that hard. I am expecting the absolute worst case scenario, such as killing the family pet, setting fires or threatening parents with butcher knives, so anything better than that is just grand as far as I’m concerned!

Ten minute video on brain changes for adopted children!

Well, we are back from Russia with our daughter and it's time for more helpful information for you. This video was suggested by an Occupational Therapist. Click on the link, select "Watch Online" and choose the last chapter on "Emotions and Learning". They discuss the data that shows incresased intelligence in children that have been adopted-by parents reading to, playing with, listening to and going on walks with their children. We know it works with the children we bear, but to really know it works with ones we bring into our family in other ways is awesome. Enjoy!

http://www.changingbrains.org/

Tip of the Day-dossier thought

If you are traveling to a foreign country and are required to bring your dossier, consider not only printing a copy out to hand carry in you carry on luggage, but buy a special flash drive to copy it onto as well. Then you'll have two separate sets in case one gets lost.

need encouragement to find hope for your adotped child?

Great article on encouraging you to get the right help if you are having trouble with or not fully bonding with your adopted child.

Frustrated with your adopted child? Read this.

Tip of the Day-luggage i.d.

Nothing like being in Los Angeles International Airport and hearing your name paged over the sound system. 

Okay-this one is definitely from experience. On your luggage tags (they should be securely attached to the handle) have your last name, first name of traveler and at least the cell phone number of the phone you carry with you. I thought I was oh so smart having my name, address, phone number and email address on the INSIDE of suitcase. I printed the info on and 8.5x11 pieces of paper, secured in page protectors and have them in the front pockets of all my suitcases. Then on the handle ID I have our last name and home phone number.

Well, guess what? The airport ticket agents do not look in your suitcases and I was reprimanded for not having ID on my suitcase. The nice lady did however call our home phone number, heard our outgoing message and did find my name in their database. Although our last name and home phone were printed on the luggage ID, did I mention that part?

Anyway, I didn't get my destination tag on my suitcase and at some point before take off, they pulled it from the luggage beltway to find its owner and destination. Glad I arrived early enough to the airport so I could use that time and get work done...oh wait... I was running through the airport and going through security for a second time instead. All that work getting done? Guess not. So, if you don't want extra hassles when you go to get your child, DO put your full name and cell phone number on your luggage ID's!!

healing hope for an adopted child

"I have never met a child there is no hope for...We can help any child experience dramatic levels of healing. Doesn't happen in a vacuum. We must train families...When a child learns that their voice has power, they do not resort to voilence." Dr.Karyn Purvis

Tip of the Day-space bags

As you discover that your suitcases will be full of who knows what for everyone in your adopted child's home country, consider the use of travel style space bags for your clothes. You just pack (not beyond the line printed on them), and roll them up to remove the air. Voila! You really will have extra space in your suitcase. However, do not push the bags down while holding them perpendicularly (rather at a bit of angle) to the flat surface or you'll close off the air escape valves. Why do my tips seem to have a "do not" clause in them?!